Y.O.L.O

I had no idea of this term until I was enlightened by my much younger, much cooler brother. His friends use it as an excuse to get up to all sorts of mischief. You only live once. It’s true, you do. Lonely Island do a hilarious video/ song about how Y.O.L.O should inspire a person not to behave wildly, but to do such things as “get a chastity belt. And triple lock it.” Every side has a flip side and there is not an honest coin in the world that can spin indefinitely on the balance between the two. Sometimes the Queen’s gonna bump her nose. And then you pick her back up and spin her giddy again, living at the right balance until the lion’s sick and falls flat and you’ll do it all again. Sorry for those of you using coins without monarchs or wild beasts on them.

Y.O.L.O- and I think that’s why it’s so easy to fall stressed, get down, feel upset, worry about the future, struggle with the past, panic in the present and forget to live it until it’s time to re-live it. Because this is it, this is our one shot, this is all we’ve got. No matter what might come after, or not come after, this is all we have of what we know. Of course that’s scary. And it gives absolutely everyone a complex about the potential for a fuck-up (excuse the bluntness there.) If you add any kind of other issue at all to that (and to be honest, I genuinely think nearly everyone has “any kind of other issue” to add) then it’s no surprise if the Queen on your coin has a constant nose bleed (… but “don’t do drugs cos they ain’t legal”- Lonely Island). Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just get spinning.

The PhD proposal deadline is tomorrow, at least if you want funding. I feel like such a mess, I don’t have any references sorted, I don’t have a decent outline, I don’t have a “proposed timetable” I barely have my head screwed on. This is a seriously, seriously important thing for me. I don’t know what else I will do with my life and Y.O.L.O! But I’ve ignored it, like laundry in the cupboard. Like something that unimportant. (Though I had a good day with friends… don’t make me use the phrase again!!) It’s only one year I would have to wait- but that’s one year, aged then 27, at home probably, with my parents, unemployed probably, feeling hopeless again. That isn’t something I would like to contemplate. Honestly? I think I thought my One Life was unlikely to last until the PhD start date, if even the application deadline, so I didn’t make plans. I didn’t do what I needed to do. Also, after hospital, I am just about staying afloat with work for now so it’s all a bit sticky. Tricky.

I missed alcohol counselling because I got lost. Am soon being tested for dyspraxia. It turns out that I was actually at the right place but the people I called to check were at a different “branch” and so told me I was at the wrong place when I called and I was so nervous that I went to town and bought a caffetiere for someone I am “with” instead because

YOLO

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