I remember long ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
– X factor people…
I met K in 2008, in Amsterdam. We were friends/ more than for a while, then I moved back to Edinburgh and she moved back to Canterbury. She visited once, then I met a girl, she met a boy, we fell out of touch, largely because my new g.f. disapproved of my talking to someone with whom I had cheated on her.
When I moved back to London, I decided it was time to re-link with everyone who had been important to me. I called K, came to visit a few times, and with encouragement I finally found it in me to apply for an M.A. and got funding to come here.
In December, we got together. Finally. And it’s a long story but she was in a complex not-necessarily-romantic/ sexual relationship with someone and she assured me it was a platonic one. Let’s call that person T.
Again, complex and too detailed to be right to blog about.
The day after New Year (I blogged about New Years Day and the horrific hallucinations I had), K sent me a Facebook message to tell me we shouldn’t be together, that I would distract her from her studies and that I would never sort out my drinking or medications if we stayed together. It hurt but I realised, if you’re such close friends with someone, that shouldn’t really matter. And yes, the 2nd is the day before my birthday, but I overlooked it. Whatever.
Then I was hospitalised. And I texted K to say I was in hospital and considering quitting the M.A. and she basically said I was a waste of a scholarship. I said some very unkind things back- a mixture of being ill and just not being nice, as posted about before- and she blocked my phone number. Then there was a long period where she couldn’t even bring herself to let me drop off her stuff to her, so our friends had to act as go-betweens. And five years disappeared and on a tiny campus I’ve seen her just twice (time 2 to be discussed below) and I regret the things I said but
I then got with Y, who I have had a complex on/off/friends/notfriends relationship with, largely caused by greatly differing attitudes to sex and my unwillingness to risk my distinction for romance. Yep. I know. It’s a strange relationship, but I’m in it, and I like it. We spent a day and a half in London together, I showed her places I used to hang out (Camden Town, etc) and felt like things were quite nice.
But last night on the bus with Y, I saw K lean over to T, and kiss her neck. I think she saw me as she got on the bus, and did that so I would see. Anyway, it seems as though their complexity has turned into something simpler. It feels as though I’m dispensable. I really always knew it. And it’s evil but I have never wished the best for a couple less than I do for them right now, presuming that they even are one. I cried for over an hour, felt
a bit bruised.
Running to The Killers helped a bit though.