How to fight
You smile all the time.
Wilco, How to Fight Loneliness
I’m not alone.
No, I’m just on my own.
This is a strange one to write. I’ve not often had to write it. But it’s been drumming inside me each day and I haven’t felt fluid enough to word it, even to find that one word.
It’s not absolute, and there are far lonelier ways to be. I have friends and I have family. I am not alone. But lately, here, in Canterbury, on campus, I realise more and more that my friends list has depleted. And it isn’t that I don’t still have friends; that would be ridiculous, selfish and ungrateful. Most people with MH problems, I guess, understand that loneliness that seems unjustified for having nearly nothing to do with being alone. And of course, there are those I have pushed away. For their protection; for mine; for fear; for spite; for nothing. There are those.
It’s just that there’s a schism, between last semester and now. Likely, it is to do with the extra pressure of Semester 2. But because of all that happened before, it’s hard- sometimes- not to find the small hours telling me I made the split. Today I walked around campus, alone until I called Y. Actually, alone time would have been good. But my room flashed up in my head and the feeling was chasmic. I broke Lent; I was smoking, I needed my body occupied as my mind counted the lights down the hill. I’m not depressed- dysphoric, maybe in a PMT way to be honest. But I am still calculating…
A number of my friends are Proper People now. It sounds ridiculous, but I think most people will know what I’m on about. 26… all the mid twenties?… is an age when some people are having babies, proper jobs, deadlines, plans, true love, families…
and some of us are studying, unemployed, single, without a real sense of where we intend to go.
Both are fine and I am sure the other side, too, has its negatives. I only know that from this side there’s a nostalgia from the time when my friends and I were roughly synchronised.
Is the loneliness why my thoughts remain so strange to me? Because all the things that I was scared of before are still there, hovering, waiting, and you can’t unsee a thing you have seen right? More and more.