“I ain’t no Hercules”

I am alone, and unwell
This is love; this is hell
This sweet plague
That follows me…
Keaton Henson

Sorry doesn’t cut it, does it?

But I am.
I should struggle on.
I have plans for the future.  I’m not depressed.
I can conquer the past.
All things take time… (?)

So this is a choice, a hard one and an evil one.  But I know that it’s right.  I’ve been thinking a lot about god lately, about why I’m like this.  Thirteen years is too long for nothing to’ve worked.  I think that I am being punished- by being made to feel like this, and also being punished for feeling like this.  There is something in me I know can never be repaired.  There is something fragile, something rock hard, cold, warm, searching, blind.  Something wrong, there is something wrong.  With me. Because this darkness recurs, a little worse each time. A high is a (not too high?) precipice from which I willingly fall.  A low is a canyon where I scorch and fail to climb. Even when things are well, it’s a time bomb, I am a time bomb.

Right now I am rational and things are very clear:  I deserve to live, and feel all of this, but I don’t think I can.  I wanted to get confirmed first but people are closing in, people who want me to stay.

You (plural)

This blog is all I’ve been able to do lately, these thoughts what I’ve been able to express.  They will be hard to read.  But my reasons could be clearer this way.

Love only and always.

One thought on ““I ain’t no Hercules”

  1. Pingback: “Attention, Please” | Only See Your Good Side

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