“Welfare Check”

They are doing their best.  I know.  But alcohol is not, as far as I am aware, a cause of bipolar.  It is unlikely that “everything else will fall into place”.  Were that the case, I would wave the magic wand of abstinence and it would be okay.  I know, I know, I know that my life would be easier without alcohol.  I know they are not wrong about that.  But after two hospitalisations (neither of which was actually alcohol related) I think that perhaps they have the emphasis wrong, like non-native speakers of a language putting the stress on the wrong syllables.  Exactly like that.  We are speaking at cross purposes, different stresses on the same words.  Incite / insight.  The same thing, different things.  Endless.

I have also been told that before I am allowed to come back from intermitting they will need to convene and make sure I am fit to do so.  This made me feel very tired.  After years of dealing with this, I know (now) what I can cope with or not.  I refuse to have my future decided by others on the basis of one bad habit and one illness I can’t actually be cured of.

Today in the mirror I realised I look exactly my age.  It was very alarming.  On the bright side, I look quite like my mum.


9 thoughts on ““Welfare Check”

  1. OMG, I know exactly what are you are saying. I am dealing with the same exact thing . I live in Amsterdam , English is my native language.. it can be frustrating . I have a blog called Drinking Bipolar http://www.brokenopenscars.com
    Or Miss Crabby Ass on WordPress.
    You are not alone .
    ( The looking in the mirror part really hit home. I threw the mirror out the window, I live on the 3rd floor 🙂

    • Oh! I used to be a native English Amsterdammer!

      Glad the post resonated with you, though sorry that it has to (if that makes sense). It gets so frustrating when people want to pinpoint everything on alcohol… Just because it’s something tangible, they can grasp it, understand it (or imagine that they do.) The invisible illness, the hidden cause, is always harder to contend with, isn’t it?

      I will look at brokenopenscars, am already following your WP blog.

      • Okay, so here’s the thing. Depression is often associated with bad memories of the past, which may or may not be consciously present in your mind. When someone consumes alcohol, his subconscious mind becomes more active. This may cause the layer of bad memories, failures, etc of the past to reveal itself. Alcohol may not be the sole cause of bipolar, but it can certainly harm you a lot.

      • I know how harmful it is, not denying that at all. It’s just that sometimes the way people act makes me think that they see this as a purely behavioural thing (does that make sense?)

  2. Also, bipolar is chemical, rather than brought about by a troubled past. So while alcohol is chemically damaging as far as meds go, it doesn’t necessarily bring up waves of unconquered demons.

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