I’ve written before on here, how the flip side of a vivid imagination is being left more-than-usually open to fear: https://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/2013/03/14/an-imgination/
From a really young age, I have had a fear of invisible cameras. Of being watched by people without my knowledge (except that, clearly, I “know” about them). At around 14, before I was hospitalised, the fear was at its worst: I “saw” the idea of The Cameras in lampposts, between railings. I wasn’t hallucinating but imagining. My knowledge of what wasn’t there came from a misinterpretation of what was there, based entirely on an overactive imagination plus unwellness. (The flip side of imagination is that I wonder if I’ve imagined my own imaginings. How’s that for a triple-bind?)
At times of stress, The Cameras come back to me, to a worser or lesser degree. I have also nearly always recognised that this is irrational, a mistaken belief. It hasn’t become a fully realised belief because in myself, I know it is ridiculous. And yet.
For a couple of weeks now, maybe a month, the idea has been back and stronger than I have felt it in years. They are a near-constant, inside my head, looking out through my eyes, with full access to my thoughts. Because of this, my thoughts are louder. I think things I don’t mean, I think things I don’t want to, then I try to scratch them out by screaming inside my head. A few times this week I have found myself with my hands on my face and realised I was trying to block a thought, flinching at something my mind had said, catching on something I didn’t want or mean to think or mean at all. Memories, observations, thoughts. Terrifying.
Which begs the question: How much of this can be medded out of me? How much do I want medded out of me? This is uncomfortable, unnerving. But have thoughts like these become so much a part of me that they can’t be drugged away? At what risk do I lose these thoughts? Is the price of not-fear dullness, and do I want that, would I rather that than this?
I haven’t told anyone about The Cameras being back. It seems odd to be writing it on a blog and in public. But I am guessing that other people have similar feelings and questions about how to extract the bad from the good, when it comes to mental health and especially imagination, etc. So it seems like a relevant entry. Even though posting it is making me feel nervous.