30) If you live under a hat with six women and a pickled cabbage, but no dependent children, go to section 34.
34) If the dependent children not mentioned in section 30 turn out to exist after all, go back to section 30. If not, or if you have a garden gnome sitting on top of your hat of residence, go to section 35.
35) If the gnome in question is wearing red, please skip this section.
37) If one of the women under the hat, or the pickled cabbage, is already claiming ESA, take two steps back and go down the ladder, rather than up the snake. Do not pass go, and do not collect £200, nor its equivalent in Euro or US dollars. If you land in Mayfair, please claim compensation for rent on form 4,201.
38) If you are lying, hand this in- you are an expert. If you are not, start again in BLACK biro this time, without moving one shoe while nonetheless dancing from foot to foot.
Thank god for the Citizens Advice Bureau.