Blue Sky Thinking

I feel unencumbered.

1) My former friends are nobs.  They are acting as though we were all seventeen. I cried for a week, intermittently.  Then I thought: So?  I’m not seventeen.  Why should high school behaviour bother me at 26?  I gave them (more than) the benefit of the doubt and I was wrong.

So? 

Benefit of the doubt sounds like it means doubt is beneficial.  It probably is- to take everything at face value is to leave yourself open to endless hurts.  Sometimes I wonder if that makes me a complete idiot, setting myself up for grazed confidence.  Other times I think it’s a good thing.  This is one of those times.  I would rather be disappointed than have no hope.

2) I am moving back to London.  I am going to live with my family.  It will be stressful, it will be difficult, it will be claustrophobic; I have no choice. So I feel chokey, upset, when I think about the stressyness of living with family.  Then guilty for stressing about something I’m lucky to be able to do.

But I can still make it amazing.  I will have to.  So: arts events, friends, poetry nights, volunteering, writing trying to enjoy it.  Taking a break when things are a bit bleak, a bit unenjoyable.  London is the centre of the Universe, it’ll do.

3) My housemate is moving out in January, which is when I need to move back here.  So I might be able to take over her room, which means I am not overwhelmed by shock/horror/loss.  These eight months will, in many ways, just suck.  But assuming my landlord doesn’t hate me for reasons unknown or perhaps for the reason of the coffee-spatter crime-scene beneath the windowsill, or the blu-tack from my Waste Land obsessive stage…  I’m not coming back to nothing when I come back.  If if if I come back.

I just feel like things don’t have to be awful.  Some things are going to be. But that’s just how it works.  I can only work with it, can’t I?

p.s. check it out!  This entry does not once contain the word “and”!

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