Quiet

I’ve lived nearly all my life with my head being too loud. High, average, low, fine, I have never, ever, ever had my head all to myself.  There has always been a sense of crowding, an endless buzzing.  It was a feeling I became so used to that I shouted over my thoughts every time they got any quieter.  It’s been close to constant.  Not voices, but the sense of other people, other noises, in my mind.  I tried asking other people- they didn’t seem to have that experience.

So, I resigned myself to it, assumed that was how it would always be for me.  In the last 6 years or so, I have believed that alcohol diluted the noise.  Then it stopped working, until in sober moments I found the days even louder than before, headache-inducing, sometimes disorientating.

In the last week or so, my head has been quieter.  Clearer.  I feel alone, in the best way possible.  The crowding still happens but less.  I am wondering tentatively, hopefully, that it might be the medications- that it might actually be possible to be by myself in my mind.

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