The other day I was over at X’s. Her housemate had some people over for dinner. For some reason or other they were talking about the Oscars in the other room and by some logic or other this led to a conversation about mentall illness. They weren’t misinformed or patronising, they had some fairly interesting ideas. They didn’t assume they knew everything about it. But I could hear them answering questions to which I knew the answers: “What’s the difference between manic depression and psychotic depression?” “What’s bipolar?” “How can depressed people even make films?” For some reason I haven’t worked out, it felt upsetting. I get that feeling often when people are talking about Mental Health issues- the words get all choked above my shoulders and I feel panicky about it. These people weren’t even asking me! They weren’t even in the same room!
I am pretty honest, pretty open about my scars, my unwellness, pretty upfront about why I’m off uni. So why should a question not even about me bother me like this? Theory of the week: Maybe it’s because the conversation had nothing to do with me, because to speak would have made it about me. And I don’t like attention in that way.