As I start getting better, I am realising things about myself. The alcohol, the depression, the mood-swings, were masking or exaggerating who I am. There’ve been so many times in my life that I have felt I’d lost myself. An extreme example of this is when I’d sit all day doing literally nothing but breathe, listless, until my now-ex came home and I’d try to fake a smile.
Last year I spent quite a lot of time feeling OK. Still, not knowing what you want to do feels a lot like not knowing who you are, or want to be. My confidence had been knocked significantly the year before that. Still, I was OK.
But from late last year until now, I had actually forgotten things about myself. Illness made me barely able to remember how it felt jo be “just” myself. So I am re-learning myself now, trying to “see my good side” the way I do for others. I will try not to be utterly boring, so here are just two things:
1) I am not actually moody. By this, I mean that in my normal, unswung state I am not a stroppy cow. My irritability comes from mood states, wanting everyone to be miserable with me, or wanting everyone to speed up with me.
Quite obviously this doesn’t mean I can’t be irritable when I am ok. But I am more reasonable about it. This morning, at the kitchen sink, I suddenly laughed to remember a time about four years ago when a housemate annoyed me and I threw a pizza at him. See? Unreasonable.
2) I actually do have quite a lot of feelings. Again, this is about “normal” me, outside of the obvious extreme feelings. I don’t know if it’s partly the medications not having taken full effect, or if it’s because I actually am this prone to emotions. I actually am quite British about my feelings, finding them generally quite an embarrassment. But maybe they are part of what makes me me. Maybe they’re how I can write. Maybe they’re how I can keep my friends. So I imagine I may have to get over myself, and get used to crying a few times a week.
Right! Enough of this odyssey of self-discovery. I’m off out into the semi-pleasant sunshine.