* Please excuse any haziness in this post, it’s being seen through a haze of cold cures, mulled wine and exhaustion.
When I’m not well- physically- I look younger. I have a cold today, one of those irritating silly sniffles. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look about twelve, all half-hearted self-pity and childish pout and big, big eyes.
I do look young for my age anyway- I get asked for ID quite often (I’m 26). When I’m ill, I look very little and a bit lost. Or, conversely, very much my own age and grumpy and grey-faced.
Anyway, today I’m wondering whether and how being ill, mentally, sometimes has affected my youngness or oldness. I spent the morning of my 24th birthday in A&E, feeling far, far too old for someone young. I felt as though I had become ancient, exhausted, too crooked inside to fit my body. I felt like my knees might give way if I stood. I even said it: I am far too young to feel this old (and it was very cinematic, since the Crisis Team chose that moment to terminate the conversation, making me seem very dramatic indeed when actually I just wanted to go to sleep and ignore them).
But then sometimes I feel far too young for my age, as if I’ve been set back somehow, as if I haven’t quite learned to cope with life the way I should. A lot of that is probably just standard for an everlong student, to be honest, and nothing to do with mental health or otherwise. Just every now and then I look at people my age with families or “proper” jobs and think wow… is that how I should be? God, I am so young.
Every now and then, I feel exact and it gives me vertigo.
I dunno. Anyone else?