And if the winds have turned today
it’s because it’s inevitable
-Emmy the Great
I am sifting through entries in an old diary and recognising frightening patterns and parallels between 2011 and now. The down was the exact same down. That feeling… of deserving unhappiness, of its inevitability. That’s the part that scares me the most: that feeling that ultimately, this is some kind of cyclical. Even some of the wording was exactly the same. Every time I feel low I am convinced (rightly) that it will always come back- and the feeling that, consequently, there is no point in carrying on. Every single low will remind me that it’s inescapable. Every single high will convince me I am fine. And they’re much less frequent, making everything seem bleaker after/before. Every single actually being fine allows me to forget I am ever anything but. I’ve had a bit of a low-week. Not dreadful but not “normal-down” either. It worries me a bit that this will probably be the case for a long time.
Besides leaving old diaries well alone, what do I do?
Well, I need to stay on the meds. This is a genuine shot at being stable. This is do-able.
Why is it so hard to remain convinced?!