Suicide Songs

I won’t be sad but in case I go there
every day-
to make myself feel bad…
Tegan and Sara

When I’m unwell, either way, I tend to get obssessed with word related things: a book, a song, a poem.  When I was depressed earlier this year, it was Eliot’s The Waste Land- extracts even crept into my suicide note.  It was on paper upon paper in my room, a constant underscore to my thoughts.  Next it was Emmy The Great’s “First Love” album- I now feel slightly sick when I listen to it, lovely as it is.  Before my second admission I was obssessed with “SPace Oddity”, singing its way between every thought, dizzying, upsetting.  I wonder why this happens.

Does anybody else get this?

At the moment, Tegan and Sara are thrumming in my head, a near constant between other songs battling for my mind’s attention.  I am slightly worried by it because I can’t think straight if my head is full of songs.  As long as The Waste Land doesn’t creep back in, I guess we’re okay.

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11 thoughts on “Suicide Songs

  1. My head tends to be a warring jukebox at all times. Though I did finally find a song so triggering that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to listen to it — When the Levee Breaks. Something about the relentless driving of the song just spikes my anxiety to dangerous panic attack levels.

    • That sounds frightening. Thanks for commenting, always good to see others’ views on things like this. I’ve never heard that song- is it to be avoided generally?

      • It’s a good auld classing Led Zepplin song. It didn’t used to bother me, but it randomly hit me one day at a bad juncture and now it’s always a bit triggering. Sad, ’cause it is a good song!

      • Well, maybe I’ll have better luck next time I try it. But it was so recent that I’m in ‘Hot stove is hot’ mode.

  2. I didn’t know other people did this. When I’m really unwell I can listen to the same song over and over (the song can vary but is always depressing), I watch depressing movies I’ve seen hundreds of times or read the same books/ poems over and over. When I feel better I can’t listen to/watch or read anything I’ve obsessed over, I sort of ruin things for myself.

  3. First of all ‘Thank you’ for liking one of my blogs, secondly I think that you are a naturally gifted writer, and thirdly I think that you are very brave to share your pain in the way that you do. May I also add that my antidote to these kind of feelings is to listen to samba, it always takes me to my happy place!

    • You’re welcome! Thank you so much for your comments, I love your writing so I feel quite happy that you like mine! I also like the photos you post on your blog and the London-ness of it all.

      Hmm maybe I should check out some Samba… I like happy music (sometimes, haha) it’d be nice to have some…

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