I’m just going to spit it out: I don’t like running any more.

In “getting better”, running has played an enormous part.  I have probably written very similar words to these before, so excuse the repetition, I’ll be brief.  When I first moved back to London in 2011, I was an absolute wreck.  I hadn’t been eating, and weighed a mini amount.  Running helped me value health over size, and to be a good runner I realised I had to be well, and well-nourished.  So while the calorie dial kept me satisfied I was doing enough, the desire to be a better runner made sure I wasn’t overdoing it.

It was also something I could share with my Dad.  He is a marathon runner, pretty hardcore.  He helped me to reach a really good speed- 5k in less than 22:30.  And we bonded over times, practices, interval training.  Sometimes we ran together for his “slow run” and my “oh my god this is quite intense” run.

When I moved to Canterbury, I ran much, much less.  There were months where I didn’t run at all; I couldn’t afford the gym’s upfront payment system, and I had lost some of the inclination.  I still wonder if I would have become less ill, had I kept up the physical side of looking after myself.  I’ll never know.  Then, in February, I got a tax rebate and joined the gym again.  Gradually I built my speed back up- a frustrating process.

And blah blah blah blah blah….

Here I am.  I don’t enjoy the gym at all.  I don’t enjoy running.  Today fifteen minutes was all I could stomach before I had to give up.  Putting on weight is something that absolutely terrifies me, yet I can’t seem to get motivated to run for half an hour.  I don’t know why.  I guess running has always given me thinking space.  I guess I no longer like my thoughts.



8 thoughts on “Anhedonia

  1. Running and I have never been friends. I had to do a lot of it in the Air Force, and it just bores me silly. I don’t mind running in games for fun, but add structure and you might as well… something not nice. And then after my kid, I realized I can’t exercise ’cause I start to dangerously fixate, so… more computers. Forever! Or something. *giggles* I’d rather be fat — it’s kinder on the knees.

  2. I always exercise to music so I don’t have to think too much. Maybe you could try taking an ipod or something when going for a run or walk?
    I don’t particularly enjoy exercise at the moment but like you, I don’t want to put on weight.

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