Day 7: Do you think there are any triggers or patterns to how your illness(es) effects you?
I always thought that, because of the nature of my illness (a mood disorder) my cycles were natural to me, rather than being triggered by events or situations. I know now, through hard experience, that this is not the case.
At the start of last year I was hospitalised, twice. The first time, my room was so cluttered by academic stuff that the CPNs I saw had trouble finding somewhere to sit. It wasn’t purely a wreckage of depression. It was, very specifically, a depressed obsession with not being good enough, a frantic attempt to write the best things in the world. I think the triggers went way back to September 2012, when I moved here the first time. The sudden shake-up of leaving home again, the sudden workload after 2 years more or less unemployed. These things made me shaky, coping uneasily with everything they entailed. And the depression worsened. And worsened. And worsened. Until finally, the choice was between death and hospital.
I chose to live.
Now I have accepted that I can be triggered by my own lifestyle and the things around me, I can look back at the last few years of my life and see that yes, I was often triggered by my situations, by life events and, most commonly, by my alcohol consumption which has now calmed down considerably.
I can be triggered. And now that I understand those patterns, I can take care not to be killed by them.