30 Days: Day 7

Day 7: Do you think there are any triggers or patterns to how your illness(es) effects you?

I always thought that, because of the nature of my illness (a mood disorder) my cycles were natural to me, rather than being triggered by events or situations.  I know now, through hard experience, that this is not the case.

At the start of last year I was hospitalised, twice.  The first time, my room was so cluttered by academic stuff that the CPNs I saw had trouble finding somewhere to sit.  It wasn’t purely a wreckage of depression.  It was, very specifically, a depressed obsession with not being good enough, a frantic attempt to write the best things in the world.  I think the triggers went way back to September 2012, when I moved here the first time.  The sudden shake-up of leaving home again, the sudden workload after 2 years more or less unemployed.  These things made me shaky, coping uneasily with everything they entailed.  And the depression worsened.  And worsened.  And worsened.  Until finally, the choice was between death and hospital.

I chose to live.

Now I have accepted that I can be triggered by my own lifestyle and the things around me, I can look back at the last few years of my life and see that yes, I was often triggered by my situations, by life events and, most commonly, by my alcohol consumption which has now calmed down considerably.

I can be triggered.  And now that I understand those patterns, I can take care not to be killed by them.


3 thoughts on “30 Days: Day 7

  1. We are not always triggered, sometimes shit just happens. Myself, one of the patterns I saw is the passing of loved ones. I had a loved one die about every 2-5 years. And afterwards I’d spiral up and down for a few years only to have it be triggered again.
    My second trigger happened to be stress too. Go figure, the more issues bipolar caused the more stress I had…Until I broke every time. I didn’t realize all of this until 5 months ago. Now I’m 42 and have dealt with pain and suffering for as long as I can remember. Keep going, persevere, and you will make it through. We bipolar ones always do.

  2. Pingback: 30MIAC Day 7: Round Up/Results | Marci, Mental Health, & More

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