I’ve been mood-cycling. Not as drastically as before, not as harmfully. But there’s definitely been a pattern. 2-3 weeks of intense studiousness, ending at the very verge of hypomania (but not falling of that edge, not scaling those heights). And now I’m mildly depressed, studying less, feeling less energised, concentrating poorly. I don’t really feel like talking but at the same time I feel a little lonely. I feel as though my weeks of bouncing have come to a close and left me disengaged, disappointed. The bad days have become more frequent, the good days less brilliant. Duller. I have nightmares that wake me screaming, or engaged with a fight with my covers.
I am grateful that I’m not cycling between highs and serious lows, glad that the medication has kept me from falling through the crack in a high. As I mentioned before, I will never, ever take Feeling OK for granted. Ever. But right now I don’t feel OK, and I know that this is due to a minor version of the cycles I was experiencing before. The world won’t end. My academic self is basically safe. But this feeling is not good and, as ever with depression, I wonder if it will ever get better again.