A disease of loneliness that we try to cure with isolation
–Someone I met online
I’ve always been pretty good in my own company. Reading, writing, running. I like being around other people, having conversations, having fun. I like being sociable. But being with myself has never really bothered me that much.
Until now. I find myself wandering around the internet at 4a.m, checking Facebook like I haven’t since undergrad, checking e-mails every half hour on the off-chance. Post from Amazon is my favourite thing at the moment. I stay in the library until silly-o’clock because at least the library is full of people, even if I’m not talking to them.
People are still around but maybe not so much. I don’t have loads in common with my housemates. A couple of friends have left Canterbury lately. Being on crutches makes it harder to get about. These things are only small but they do make a difference. Besides anything, doing an MA is a pretty solitary task. There’s no team in essay, as they (don’t) say. And of course, I’m not drinking (let’s forget this weekend. I have, naturally), so time alone is an unfilled void. I wonder if I ever really liked my own company, or if actually I just enjoy the company of red wine.
I’m making the most of it. My essays were done four days early. My dissertation will be well underway as soon as I’ve met with my supervisor. I have listened to more new music in the last few weeks than I had in the last year (people keep telling me I should start watching TV but that has an effortful-ness that I can’t be doing with). I know if I had no time to myself I’d be climbing the walls looking for an escape hatch. So I’m trying to appreciate it because what else can you do?