Every now and then, I convince myself that I don’t have bipolar, or a drinking problem.  All evidence to the contrary is lost in a whirlwind of self-anger, whereby I persuade myself that there is nothing wrong with me and that I just seem to fit in with people with bipolar, or drinking problems, and am only there as a sort of tourist, like the guy in Fight Club who goes to every self-help meeting because he cannot sleep.  In the past, I have even tried to convince myself that I’m not a lesbian, and only think I am because I like the community (never mind that I don’t have any sexual feelings towards men, and enjoy sleeping with women).  Everything I am, I try to convince myself I am not, in some misguided attempt to persuade myself that anything different or difficult about me is a lie, something I do just to feel a sense of belonging somewhere.  Before you know it, I’ll have convinced myself I’m not mixed race!

I don’t know why I do this.  It isn’t outright denial- I don’t have any hang-ups about being gay, I am not ashamed of having bipolar- it’s some kind of self-destructive urge to isolate myself from people who share similar situations with me.  As though I wasn’t worth the belonging that comes from being around people who are like me.  As though I had taken in the words attention seeker and glued them all around my insides like Wanted posters.  I even tell friends:  I don’t have bipolar.  I don’t have a drinking problem.  I don’t.  Am I waiting for some kind of validation?  And if so, which kind?  What am I up to?  I don’t have answers to these questions but I will try, as I am trying with other things lately, to unfold and discover.

14 thoughts on “Dishonesty

  1. I felt the same way for a long time, and with some things (like drinking) I still feel that way. It wasn’t until I accepted that I am bipolar, I am a lesbian (I was married to a man for years to appease my family), and I am a minority that can be proud of my roots that I could finally exhale. I’m still working on the drinking part, but as one of my best friends told me, life is about progress and not perfection!

    • “Progress and not perfection”- that’s a great way of looking at things. I’m glad you could relate to my post, I have often wondered if others felt the same way that I do about these things. I’m glad you have accepted some major things about yourself and have learned to feel comfortable with them 🙂

      • Thanks! There are times when I am not comfortable about certain aspects of myself, but I know the bad feelings will eventually pass and I work on distracting myself until they do so they are not so damaging. We have all made it this far; I’m sure we are capable of continuing down a brighter road. 😉

  2. Continue to actively seek understanding. I’d go out on a limb and say you’re denial means you have not embraced what you know to be true. You are not ready to. And that’s ok. People cannot understand you when you can’t understand yourself. Their validation is not needed. I say take one thing at a time and break it down. For an example: Begin to understand, why even though you’re a lesbian, you have at one time or another tried to convince yourself you are not. I speak on this because I have been where you are. I have also tried to convince myself of certain things as well. Things will one day become clear. 🙂

    • Wise words: thank you 🙂 I think you’re right- I haven’t quite embraced what I know to be true. And I need to do that before I can expect anybody else to understand. I struggle with needing validation, but once I get around to accepting various aspects of my character and life, I know I won’t.

  3. I have no idea if this will make sense to you or not but you can only ever be the person you are supposed to be. Which is not the same thing as accepting your faults without question….

    Huge hugs coming your way though xoxox

    • Heya WeeGee!
      That does make sense. I guess I need to work on working out who the person I’m meant to be, faults included…

      Huga back xxx Thank you for commenting!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s