Well, before I start in on my rant, let me begin with the positive. Strangely, the crappy days are what makes me realise how mentally well I am now. I don’t feel as though they will last forever, and I don’t sit around contemplating suicide. Things have moved on, I have moved on, and these rubbish days prove that. Things do get better.
That said, it doesn’t make them much nicer.
Don’t get me started on my dissertation. Suffice to say it isn’t fantastic news.
The contract on my house expires at the end of June and it can’t be renewed through summer, so I will have to move back “home” to London. I will be living with my Granny and uncle. The dissertation will be very hard to write from London, in addition to which the sudden curbing of my freedom may well drive me insane. Again. I don’t want to write here about why I feel so strongly about it, but I do.
I just got a letter in the post and the appointment for the cast coming off is the 11th of August, despite them saying it would only be six weeks. So my summer is going to be spent in a hot, sticky boot, only half-able to walk in baby-steps. All the positivity I had mustered to face those six weeks has waned and left me feeling angry and bitter.
I spent today in the library banging my head against the desk. Either me or the desk was going to get hurt so in the end I gathered my (challenging, semi-helpful) books and left. I smoked in the half-arsed sunshine and contemplated the undecided sky. I’ve been smoking too much and feeling guilty about it and I didn’t sleep last night because I couldn’t. I don’t even know if I am going to tonight’s meeting, I am just too angry and sad.
I started the day with some positivity, seeing my mentor and being reminded that I am a strong person and am being far too impatient about learning to walk on the boot. I like seeing her and it helps. We discussed my dissertation and she said, it’s OK to have a crap day. Go to the library, get yourself a coffee, go home and have a day off. It’s OK.
So, blah. Today sucks.
I want a drink but I’m going to be strong, and patient, and ride it out.
OH and if UKIP get in I will have to leave the country, as well.