As I have written here before, I grew up with a strange conception of god. God is, on the one hand, Jesus the hippie, spreading love and hugs and on the other, a vengeful god who strikes out at his creations and is filled with rage. I was lucky enough to go to a Primary school whose rules focused more on the positive aspects of god, on the ideas around how best to help others. But that doesn’t mean it was a guiltless set of rules. The key part of the Mass for me will always be: “I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words,in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, through my fault.” In what I have failed to do. Let alone worrying about the grievous things we have done, we are to be concerned by our sins of omission. So, naturally, I have always been concerned with the idea of sin and the ways in which it can apply to my own actions, words, thoughts, failures to act, speak, think.
Since Interaction With Homophobe, I have been thinking (again) about the god topic. I won’t give god a capital letter or a definite gender for the moment. I don’t imagine that those things matter much to god. What I have been thinking goes roughly like this:
The Homophobe said that my upbringing probably contributed to my sexuality. I thought: Damn right. I was taught how to love. Then I thought actually, that’s the point. My parents are proud of my capacity to love- they are not concerned with whom, or how, I love. If god can be seen as a parent-like figure, then it stands to reason that god couldn’t care less whom, or how, I love but only that I do. That it’s important to love.
And there we are. Stupid comments from homophobes can’t touch me right now, or bring me down, or make me feel guilty. The only things I should feel guilty for are neglects to love right, love properly, fully, selflessly. I can’t say, not by the longest shot, that I have always loved in those ways, or that I can be proud of every single attempt at loving that I have made. But I can say that once I do, god and I will be square. We’ll be fine with each other. I’ll be fine with myself, too.