It Works if You Work It

For all that I write here about how my life and self-conception are changing- and they are– I can still be massively insecure.  Hence Tuesday afternoon, going to see a quite good friend and still thinking shit… how am I going to get through this without a drink? Well I did get through it without a drink, but with the aid of an ill-advised, more expensive and far less legal substitute.  I’m not gonna lie: it was a beautiful experience.  We cooked (didn’t eat), went for a walk in the orchards, talked and hugged and said sorry it’d been so long.  Watched the night float down the sky.  I saw bright letters flittering out of the bedroom wall.  (Most substances, by the way, give me hallucinations.  I’m very prone to them).  But when I woke up, the first thing I wanted was a beer, even a leftover and warmish one, even half a glass.  I spoke to my sponsor about it all today and she said that technically, it counts as a relapse.  Anything we take to change the way we feel is taken in the same way that we take alcohol.  Drugs have never really been a problem for me but addiction-shifting or “surfing” (self-harm, eating issues, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol) always has. In retrospect, I noticed the ways I was perceiving the situation (have I had enough?  Was her line bigger than mine?  Shouldn’t we be higher than this?  No, don’t go to bed!  Let’s finish this!)  That isn’t a good way to understand a shared experience of any substance, even food.  And so it looks like I have work to do.  I’ll go and roll up my sleeves…

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