Uncertainty

I’ve been speaking to someone about academic networking and PhD funding.  I always assumed a PhD was what I wanted to do.  Then after last year’s crisis I decided I wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t determined enough, didn’t have the staying power, to get what I wanted out of university life.  The lovely person I have been speaking to has gone someway to convincing me that no, they don’t just give AHRC funding away to people who aren’t clever and good at what they do.  I have time to find a supervisor and get a decent proposal in for a 2016 start (after I finish my MA at Goldsmith’s).  I have time to network and make myself known on the academic scene, where it is all about who you know, rather than what.  I am smart enough but I’m not bold enough.  Not yet.

I have no idea what I hope to do with my second MA.  This becomes increasingly clear to me as the time approaches.  I am scared and uncertain.  I go through all the possibilities: get the MA and get on an occupational therapy course; get the MA and teach creative writing at a university; get the MA and teach spoken word poetry to kids in schools.  Get a PhD; get a “proper job”; man up and develop the confidence to become a journalist; get back on the dole and learn to love it.  That last one is my fear.  That I will learn to love doing “nothing” until “they” force me into a job I hate, in which I will live out the rest of my days.  That’s pure pessimism.  That’s ridiculous.  There is no reason for that to happen to me, unless I make it happen.

My future has been more uncertain than this.  Coming out of undergrad I didn’t know my head from my arse (that’s a saying right?).  I wanted an MA in Amsterdam but needed to stay in Edinburgh.  I wanted a job I loved and ended up cleaning toilets.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do- if I did, I could have gone for it, and I might be somewhere different today.  That isn’t wishful thinking- I am actually really glad for the way things eventually turned out, and I couldn’t have wished for better than this scholarship and this MA.  I just mean that, had I known what I wanted, I would have tried to get it.  I didn’t know, so I drifted through patches of unemployment, years of heavy drinking, a break-up and intermittent work cleaning other peoples’ shit or trying to raise money for charities.

Where was my point?  Ah yes.  After the conversation I had today, I feel inspired.  I can get PhD funding, if that’s what I decide I want to do (and I think, deep down, it is).  My future hasn’t been this uncertain in a little while.  But for once, I realise that could be an exciting thing.

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