I had a difficult time last night. First, of course, the guy I was speaking to said that if I don’t remember my last drink I haven’t had it. And I don’t remember it. I have resolved this in my mind: every time I have made a Grand Ceremony out of my Last Drink Ever, I have eventually failed. This gentle slip into sobriety has been my most successful so far, so I shouldn’t be too bothered about a mere saying.
He also said, that I should believe in True God. That a Higher Power can’t be Tree or Chair because those things are changing. The bottom line is God. (His has a capital letter)
And that I had to be prepared to live my whole life one day at a time. Someone later pointed out to me that saying “whole life one day at a time” is actually a contradiction, since “one day at a time” means living in the present rather than thinking about your whole life all at once.
Still the things he said got to me, to the point where I came home convinced I would relapse, on the brink of calling the Delivery Service for a bottle, at the very edge of futile tears.
I’m OK this morning. I have books, I have a nicotine inhalator, I have my life. I have a 15 piece gratitude list from yesterday.
But I also have tiny seeds of doubt scattered through my mind.