I was brought up to believe in a god who was omniscient, omnipotent and benevolent. In R.E. classes we discussed the holes in this image. How can a god that is omnipotent and benevolent allow evil in the world? Either god is all powerful and just doesn’t care about the suffering in this world, or god is good, and just unable to solve the problem of suffering. Or god is omnipotent and benevolent but not omniscient: he/ she doesn’t know about the problems in the world. My teachers said that god is not God if s/he is not all three of those things- that the god we pray to has to have all of those characteristics to qualify as a true deity. I don’t see a solution to this riddle. None of their arguments convinced me.
Last year I was confirmed in the Catholic Church. I didn’t get confirmed as a teenager like most of my friends, because I didn’t believe. Last year, after two hospitalisations, I felt that something positive must be working in my favour: I had survived. It was a tiny miracle.
On Tuesday, at 2a.m. I woke up with a sinking feeling in my heart. I knew suddenly and without a doubt that god does not exist. There is amazing evidence in my life that I am being looked after, and millions of moments I am grateful for. But I realised as I woke that all those moments, all the beauty I see around me, all the good fortune I’ve had- is evidence of nothing but luck.
Billions of people, despite prayer, or faith, or love, are not lucky. Their lives are blighted by poverty, or war, or a million other things. Some of them have unwavering faith in god. Where’s their response? I’m not angry about god: I simply can’t believe anymore. Luck is in my favour. But luck is not something I can, or will, pray to.