Well, I haven’t posted on here much in the last few months, so it’s about time for an update. I’ve been writing a 15, 000 word dissertation and stressing myself senseless over it at times, senselessly failing to care about it at others. I’m over the major hurdles and left with 1,900 words to complete. It feels… fantastic, stressful, a little bit scary.
I’ve just been discharged from the Crisis Team after a really low period. They were worried, my friends were worried, I was worried. Then something happened- I’m uncertain what- and suddenly people started to say I sounded like myself again. Then, gradually, I started to feel like myself again. I even started to look like myself.
I don’t know what I’ll do once I finish at Kent. I have the Masters lined up at Goldsmiths but I’m starting to question the idea of spending 5 grand on a course, on a second Masters. It looks like an interesting course, and one I would probably do well on. But is it really a good idea to put that much money into something with such uncertain results? I was lucky with (worked hard for) this MA, and got a scholarship. No such luck with Goldsmiths, as there were no scholarships or bursaries available to apply for.
I want to stay in the Canterbubble. I have friends here now, good, solid friendships that I’ve built over the last few months. I know friendships don’t fade with distance, because I am still friends with my friends in London. But I also know that it will be difficult to really keep in touch properly when I can’t afford to visit. One of my friends has offered that I stay with her for a while while I try to pull a life together down here. I am tempted to take her up on the offer. I feel at a real crossroads in my life, and when I think about the future I feel more stressed than I have even about the dissertation. People keep telling me to take it all one day at a time, as it comes, but it is time to start making serious decisions and I don’t have time to let each day pass me. I’m not terrified by my uncertainty at the moment but I am aware that things are becoming pressing and no-one can advise me, but me…
I got a voluntary job for a magazine called Considering Disability, proof-reading and copy-writing. It should be great experience, and I’m looking forward to starting. As things stand, there is no way of getting paid experience in the copy-writing world, so this will be a boost to my CV and show that I care about what I do. Which I do. I have no idea if I want to be a copy-writer in the future but at the moment it’s the closest I have to an idea of what I’d like to be.
And I am seeing a girl! She’s called M, she’s from Kenya, and she is hilarious. She makes me smile.
So, that’s my life up-to-date. I’ll try to blog more frequently (and more interestingly) over the next few weeks, when the dissertation has been pulled off and my life has been pulled together- in one way or another.