Restless Heart, Lying Awake

I handed in my dissertation yesterday.  It felt fantastic.  Actually, I wanted to kiss one of the bound copies but got concerned that a lip-balm smudge might have an effect on my grade.  I felt about 15 kilo lighter, as though I could float through campus, to the bus-stop, all the way home.  I wanted to laugh.  So I did laugh.  I wanted to sit in bed and watch TV.  So I did.  The sense of freedom was immense.

Then night settled and worries rose.  Financially, my state is appalling.  I am starting a course at Goldsmith’s in October and I have no way of paying for it, no job, no settled home, no real sense of how I am going to get through the next two years, studying part time and working what will have to be full-.  I am being unrealistic.  Idealistic.  Too hopeful, too trusting of the universe to give me what I need.  Want.  Need.  Like I said before, everybody keeps telling me to take my life one day at a time, but I don’t have the luxury of doing so right now.  The decisions I make now affect the rest of my life and at the very least have a heavy impact on the next two years of it.  My stress is not unwarranted.

So I lie awake thinking about this stuff.  I thumb my last tenner, folded neatly in my pocket.  I calculate the number of packets of instant noodles I can buy with a quid (five).  A friend from meetings has offered that I stay with her.  I think about how I will be able to contribute.  I think about how good it would be to stay in Canterbury.  About how easy it would be to move back to London.  I have friends here.  I have family there.  I can’t afford to move out there.  I can’t afford to live here.  So I can’t even concentrate on Orange is the New Black.

I lie awake.

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Restless Heart, Lying Awake

  1. That’s so great that you handed in your dissertation! You deserve to feel fantastic! Think of your worries as another sort of dissertation. You didn’t write that all at once.You completed it over time and hopefully each of your worries will get sorted bit by bit. Now I sound like I am telling you to take it one day at a time! I’m really not!

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