A Tricky Moment

Today I was inducted onto my course.  Because it was an induction, there was a lot of free wine going around.

“Why not?”  one guy asked me.  “It’s free!”

Inside, I thought: why not indeed?  Why not join them and have fun and get giggly with everyone else?  And then I thought, why not?  Well, because when we’re done they’ll probably go home and do whatever it is they do, and get up tomorrow and go to work- and me?  I will go home and drink a bottle of wine in bed and tomorrow will be a blot and the day after… who knows?  I bit my thumbnails until they bled and felt like crying.  But I didn’t drink.

What’s changed this last little while?  It’s a nascent self-respect: I am learning to want better things for myself.  If I had drunk tonight, it would have started the course on that note.  I want this year to be different and so I need to treat it differently.  I don’t want to be hospitalised in January.  I don’t want to fall out of a window in April.  I don’t want to be lonely and sad and tortured by the knowledge that I should be drinking less.  Fool myself into thinking “less” is a possibility when for me it has to be “none.”  I want this to go well and it won’t go well just because I want it to- I have to do something about it.

A friend of mine said of his smart-phone “it’s only as smart as the person using it” and he’s right.  It works for life too, in a way.  It’s only going to be as good as you make it.  If I want to make my life good, I need to be responsible for it.

I can’t control everything but there are things I can change, things I can control and this is one of them: one day at a time, I can stay away from the drink.  One day at a time I can make the choice to live the way I want to.

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12 thoughts on “A Tricky Moment

  1. Well done! I know it’s not the same, but I found it similarly hard to not do large group things on Fresher’s Week which would be triggery/panic inducing, but had to remember that actually, it is better to be the slightly weird dude who goes home early a lot/lives in the library/keeps on suggesting we do a jigsaw than the dude who suddenly flipped out at a major event (because of triggers and being around strangers and crowds and spending hours trying to please strangers).

    In both cases, one of the hard things is not the decision, it’s the putting up with the (not maliciously meant, but annoying) attempts to dissuade or people looking for an explanation.

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