Today I was inducted onto my course. Because it was an induction, there was a lot of free wine going around.
“Why not?” one guy asked me. “It’s free!”
Inside, I thought: why not indeed? Why not join them and have fun and get giggly with everyone else? And then I thought, why not? Well, because when we’re done they’ll probably go home and do whatever it is they do, and get up tomorrow and go to work- and me? I will go home and drink a bottle of wine in bed and tomorrow will be a blot and the day after… who knows? I bit my thumbnails until they bled and felt like crying. But I didn’t drink.
What’s changed this last little while? It’s a nascent self-respect: I am learning to want better things for myself. If I had drunk tonight, it would have started the course on that note. I want this year to be different and so I need to treat it differently. I don’t want to be hospitalised in January. I don’t want to fall out of a window in April. I don’t want to be lonely and sad and tortured by the knowledge that I should be drinking less. Fool myself into thinking “less” is a possibility when for me it has to be “none.” I want this to go well and it won’t go well just because I want it to- I have to do something about it.
A friend of mine said of his smart-phone “it’s only as smart as the person using it” and he’s right. It works for life too, in a way. It’s only going to be as good as you make it. If I want to make my life good, I need to be responsible for it.
I can’t control everything but there are things I can change, things I can control and this is one of them: one day at a time, I can stay away from the drink. One day at a time I can make the choice to live the way I want to.