Self-Esteem Issues

Recently I’ve been feeling really inadequate.  I’m good.  I take my meds, I eat my dinner, I go to meetings, I don’t drink (one day at a time).  Those things conspire to make me feel like a really boring person.  Who wants to go out with someone who can’t have a glass of wine over dinner?  Who wants to be around someone who can’t cope with life without medication?  Who wants to be friends with someone who goes to meetings on a Friday night?  I start to feel uncool.  I have to constantly remind myself that I wasn’t “cool” when I was drinking.  There was nothing fun about my unpredictability, violent mood-swings and bad behaviour.  And if I’m boring now, I’m sure I wasn’t exactly interesting when I drank.  Probably I said the same things thirty times and fell off my own feet.  That’s not cool or intriguing, it’s just worrying and silly.  Anyone sensible would rather know me medicated, alcohol-free and going to meetings, than pissed, unmedicated and going nowhere without ten drinks in me.  Right?


4 thoughts on “Self-Esteem Issues

  1. Damn, but I know EXACTLY what you’re saying. I’m not completely sober, to be honest. I’m a dry drunk. But yeah, I wonder if the dry medicated me is better than the drunk unmedicated me….
    Damn dilemma sometimes

  2. Almost daily I feel like I miss who I am when I’m under the influence. Though my addiction is drug based I sense the effect is similar.
    While I’ve had so many dark and unhealthy times using there are always those feelings that that person was still freer, happier, inspired, more fun and more relaxed than who I am now.
    I feel like who I am clean is someone that has so obviously collapsed under the weight of my pain that others can’t enjoy me shrouded in darkness and constantly thinking about everything that happens. It feels impossible for anyone to see me as positive or joyful..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s