I Don’t Know

I am losing my shit without meetings.

And yet.

I can’t subscribe to a lot of things about AA.  The way they always say “we”.  “We” don’t like conflict.  “We” like consistency.  What about what like, what don’t like, what you or he or she likes?  We share a common problem; we are not the same person.  I disagree with the idea of “the” alcoholic, this prototype we all must follow.  To be “real” alcoholics, we must be this, or that, or the other.  We are not, I am reminded, “special and different.”  So where is the individual in all this?  I might not be “special and different” but I am still unique.  I don’t feel that AA leaves room for that.

I also can’t deal with the narrow-mindedness of AA.  If you’re not in recovery, we can’t speak.  I need to put my recovery first, so if you don’t go to meetings I can’t be your friend.  Well that’s fine, if that’s the way you see things.  Personally, I wouldn’t stop being friends with a classmate because they dropped out of my course.  I wouldn’t stop speaking to a friend because s/he had relapsed on self-harming.  There are things I wouldn’t do, that seem to come easy to my AA friends, and that is not only hurtful but also discouraging.  That kind of narrowness might be useful, I am sure it is, but it is not something I want for myself.  I want to be engaged with society, not as a separate entity but as someone who functions as a member of my community, as a member of my friendship group (who are not all sober) and as a participant, not someone who avoids things on the off-chance they might possibly have the minutest chance of affecting my recovery.  I can’t be like that- or, if I can, I won’t.  

In other news, a good friend has stopped speaking to me, for good reason and not through my own fault (for a change) but it fucking hurts.  Sometimes I reach for my phone and realise I have almost no-one to call.  I am angry, I am sad, I exist, I am real.  I AM special, I AM different, I.  Am.  Me.


4 thoughts on “I Don’t Know

  1. I wish I were on more social media so I could multi-like this. I feel the same way. I think I’m going to a meeting tonight but if I do I think I’ll walk out early because the dogma sticks in my craw sometimes.

  2. I can’t deny there have been times I’ve felt like you. Whilst I am an alcoholic, one that has a recovery through the programme and through going to AA so far at times I want to break out. I’ve felt out of place or at worst a fraud not really following the programme correctly. But hang on… I’ve attended AA meetings for over 10 years, I’ve down service and I’ve listened and learnt and tried and failed and tried again and learnt and relearnt… where is the fraud in that? In my head that is where.

    Interestingly at my regular meetings I hear people talk very much more “from the I” – they may something like “we all feel …” then correct and say “well I mean I feel… ” But then I’m hearing the I aren’t I not the we – I wonder if at the same meeting you and I would hear the same things?

    To be honest I’ve felt much less forced to be anything other than what I am and want to be by AA than virtually anything else I’ve been a member of as I can be so honest even sharing issues I have with AA etc. openly at meetings. I feel much more constrained in other areas of my life.

    I’ve just scrolled back up to your top message “I am losing my shit without meetings.” Remember… “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”… Go to meetings, get what you need, take what you can, leave the rest there, if someone tells you that you must do something quote that tradition at them and also that the big book repeatedly states the programme is suggested only

    Good luck – keep being honest that will keep you sober in the end – that is my experience anyhow

    • Thanks for commenting. I always really appreciate your comments, you put so much thought into them. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore but I’m glad for your input.

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