I am losing my shit without meetings.
I can’t subscribe to a lot of things about AA. The way they always say “we”. “We” don’t like conflict. “We” like consistency. What about what I like, what I don’t like, what you or he or she likes? We share a common problem; we are not the same person. I disagree with the idea of “the” alcoholic, this prototype we all must follow. To be “real” alcoholics, we must be this, or that, or the other. We are not, I am reminded, “special and different.” So where is the individual in all this? I might not be “special and different” but I am still unique. I don’t feel that AA leaves room for that.
I also can’t deal with the narrow-mindedness of AA. If you’re not in recovery, we can’t speak. I need to put my recovery first, so if you don’t go to meetings I can’t be your friend. Well that’s fine, if that’s the way you see things. Personally, I wouldn’t stop being friends with a classmate because they dropped out of my course. I wouldn’t stop speaking to a friend because s/he had relapsed on self-harming. There are things I wouldn’t do, that seem to come easy to my AA friends, and that is not only hurtful but also discouraging. That kind of narrowness might be useful, I am sure it is, but it is not something I want for myself. I want to be engaged with society, not as a separate entity but as someone who functions as a member of my community, as a member of my friendship group (who are not all sober) and as a participant, not someone who avoids things on the off-chance they might possibly have the minutest chance of affecting my recovery. I can’t be like that- or, if I can, I won’t.
In other news, a good friend has stopped speaking to me, for good reason and not through my own fault (for a change) but it fucking hurts. Sometimes I reach for my phone and realise I have almost no-one to call. I am angry, I am sad, I exist, I am real. I AM special, I AM different, I. Am. Me.