“These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you”
Laura Marling- Ghosts
Without going into too much detail, I am really happy with someone. Now and then, old insecurities touch my mind, and I become unreasonable, easily hurt. Memories of past relationships ghost me. I recall old dynamics, old patterns of behaviour, and it taints my judgement of what I have before me: something beautiful, something special, something honest.
I believe it’s like that for most people with a relationship history. It’s hard not to let memories get in the way of the present, not to let old shadows cast themselves in the path of the real.
Once, I was with someone who would say “I’ll be back at six” and roll in at twelve. Someone who would make me feel secondary to friends, or even acquaintances, and put our plans second sometimes. It hurt; I’m over it. I’m not laying blame. I wasn’t blameless. But I’m with someone now who doesn’t, and wouldn’t, do those things to me. There have been a couple of instances where I have let the past shade my vision of the present, even broadcast into visions of the future. It doesn’t have to be like that.
I’m not “in recovery” in the same way any more. I drink. I smoke. I have thought patterns and habits it would be better not to have. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t learned things about myself. I am still developing self-respect, cradling the notion that I am worth loving and letting it grow in my arms. Someone once said to me, “you turn the feeling that you are unloved, into the notion that you are not lovable.” That is exactly what I did and it took a long time to flip-side that: people do love me and therefore I am worth loving. And beyond that: even if nobody loved me, that wouldn’t mean I wasn’t worthy.
Like everyone else, I need to stand face-to-face with the ghosts of my past and push them away. Remember that what happened then is not what is happening now. Remember that the old saying “history repeats itself” is only true if you let it repeat itself. Refuse to let it repeat itself.
Insecurity is a horrible thing but I have braced myself against it as though it were just a cold wind, and I am wrapped in many jackets: love, respect, trust and self-belief. Sometimes it touches my face or my ears and for an instant I am powerless against it but on the whole I am safe. I know I am safe.