Update 2

After all this time, I have applied for my PhD.  I am elated, excited, hopeful.  And scared.  I love my job, love helping others to help themselves.  Love the constant buzz of work, work, work (when it is not just exhausting me- see previous entry).  But I long for something intellectually stimulating, for the life of academia to which I had become accustomed before I started working.  I miss it.  And I can’t go back to it without funding… And I might not get funding… so having put myself Out There, leaving my work vulnerable to scrutiny and my dreams vulnerable full stop, makes me feel- well, vulnerable.  I have never liked the soft skin vulnerability lends me, easily perforated, easily bruised.  I have always loved the lightness of hope but feared the darkness of despair when hopes are dashed.  And so… I carry on, day by day, awaiting that response: you have been selected for interview.  You have not been selected for interview.  Either prospect is terrifying, yet I let the light of my hope burn, burn, burn because it is the only option available.

In other news, I am working on my blog posts for Mslexia and having been selected for that makes me feel hopeful… Like I am not just an “aspiring” writer but a writer in my own right.  Getting paid to do what I really love.  I hope the trend continues because in some ways my confidence is floating but in others it is sinking and I need, I need, I need to stay afloat right now.

Wish me luck?


9 thoughts on “Update 2

  1. Good luck – my son luckily got his PhD fully funded which has made life easier. He is in a STEM subject though where the government focuses its investment. My daughter being in the social sciences doesn’t have that degree of funding available so may have to go the self funded route which frankly isn’t appealing.

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