To Run: a confessional post

I miss it.  I can’t lie.  The rush of wind in my ears, pattern of rain against my cheeks.  I miss the satisfaction of having completed a run, 5k, 10k, it doesn’t matter.  The feeling is the same, a feeling of excitement and of peace, all at once.  I miss it.

Then there’s the other truth, the one that hurts more than anything.  I very rarely run anymore.  I hate catching sight of my body, less toned than it was before, bigger, less attractive to me.  Rear view mirrors, shop windows, other people’s eyes (though I know, truthfully, that no one is looking).  I hate that my damaged ankle stops me from being as fast as I was.  My confidence has been truly and severely knocked.  I don’t really see myself in the same light these days and what I do see, I don’t like.

It would be easy, at this point, to slip back into old habits.  Obsessive calorie restriction, compulsive lying about what I ate and how I am living.

Instead I weigh myself obsessively, stare at my stomach for ages several times a day and smoke cigarettes hoping to allay my appetite.  Because this?  This is not a body I recognise.

I know what I need to do.  Embrace exercise, embrace my body as it is.  Embrace life with both arms and remember that I am better than I was in so many ways.  Ignore the creeping, crippling doubt and just BE.  It’s easier said than done but it does need to be done.  I need to fly, I need to feel, I need to run.

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7 thoughts on “To Run: a confessional post

  1. i’ve decided to just live by the motto that weight is constantly fluctuating haha less pressure! Do you like bicycling? Something I’m currently trying to get into. and you’re so right, it’s much easier said than done lol my sweet tooth can be pretty motivating at times

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