Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
I’m runnin’ from the South Pole
– My little cousin’s take on Beyonce
It’s not laziness that keeps me from running; it’s fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being conspicuous. Sometimes I look outside and I long to be out there. Then I remember. I am not fast anymore. There will be people, yes, people out there! I don’t look the way I used to. And plus, doesn’t that look like rain? Probably. It probably does.
So I sit inside feeling guilty about my choice, looking at myself and not liking what I see. Feeling unconnected to the world because I can’t connect the way I used to, trainer to pavement, pushing off from the kerb into the sky.
I need to learn to be less of a perfectionist. To remember that to be amazing is not the be-all-and-end-all. What I could do before, I can’t do now. So what? Maybe I will one day and maybe I won’t. It shouldn’t matter.
What advice would I give another person? To get out there. Feel the sun/ breeze/ drizzle. Feel the connection. Worry less about speed and more about enjoyment, enjoy it! But I am not another person. I cannot see another person’s birds-eye view of him/herself, and s/he cannot see mine.
Where I live it is hilly and it slows me even further. I look at my time and I feel disappointment and it’s hard not to give up hope/ give in to despair. But step, by step, by step, I will climb.
Just not today.