Baby Steps

Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
I’m runnin’ from the South Pole
– My little cousin’s take on Beyonce

It’s not laziness that keeps me from running; it’s fear.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of being conspicuous.  Sometimes I look outside and I long to be out there.  Then I remember.  I am not fast anymore.  There will be people, yes, people out there!  I don’t look the way I used to.  And plus, doesn’t that look like rain?  Probably.  It probably does.

So I sit inside feeling guilty about my choice, looking at myself and not liking what I see.  Feeling unconnected to the world because I can’t connect the way I used to, trainer to pavement, pushing off from the kerb into the sky.

I need to learn to be less of a perfectionist.  To remember that to be amazing is not the be-all-and-end-all.  What I could do before, I can’t do now.  So what?  Maybe I will one day and maybe I won’t.  It shouldn’t matter.

What advice would I give another person?  To get out there.  Feel the sun/ breeze/ drizzle.  Feel the connection.  Worry less about speed and more about enjoyment, enjoy it!  But I am not another person.  I cannot see another person’s birds-eye view of him/herself, and s/he cannot see mine.

Where I live it is hilly and it slows me even further.  I look at my time and I feel disappointment and it’s hard not to give up hope/ give in to despair.  But step, by step, by step, I will climb.

Just not today.

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2 thoughts on “Baby Steps

  1. I’m not a runner but sometimes I see people going for walks or runs on main roads and I really admire them because they don’t seem to care that strangers are watching them. It would be so cool to feel like that. I’m sure you’ll get back out there when you’re ready.

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