Oh my life is changing everyday / In every possible way/
– The Cranberries, Dreams
Life changes. In some ways, nothing much has changed this year, and in other ways things are completely different. In the Big Wide World Out There, things have changed dramatically (politics… world events… so many, many things I couldn’t begin). In my Little World In Here, things are no longer too dramatic. The calm is a relief.
My partner and I moved in together in April, just the two of us in a flat. It’s pretty cool being able to walk around looking terrible and not feeling bothered about bumping into someone in the kitchen in my pants. It’s fun watering cacti and being quickly outgrown by an alarmingly, increasingly large and unruly houseplant. It’s liberating to shower with the door open. And it’s wonderful being around someone I love, and being able to chill on the couch without feeling like it will make others uncomfortable, and knowing that whatever each of us gets up to (work/ social life/ family visits/ etc), we can meet back at base, and that base is just ours.
I also found out about a week ago that I got a new job. I remember posting on here, it seems like forever ago but has been actually just under two years, when I got the job I’m in now. It’s been a crazy ride, lately more drops than bounces, and I’ve struggled with it and enjoyed it in almost equal measure (towards the end of my tether, the measure seems not equal at all). The new job is more creative, although in the same sector (and for the same charity), and I’m hopeful that a change will be, as they say, as good as a rest. Although I didn’t think it, I’ll be very sad to leave… sad in a normal way, not in a regretful way. It’s been interesting, and I’ve grown/ changed/ learned, but it’s time to go.
I quit smoking. It’s been five months exactly. Now and then I get a random urge, pleasant weather, the sight of libraries, the late sun. It doesn’t bother me anymore when other people light up. I don’t really like the smell.
My life feels very different now. Late winter provided dark months. I don’t mean the sky outside, I mean my moods, my behaviour, my thoughts. February and March were like wading through mud in thin socks. But I wasn’t without support. I struggled to safety. Sometimes I wake up in the shadow of the dark months, trying to surface from under it, trying to see through it. Sometimes I wake up and the shadow isn’t there and I don’t remember it until later on, when it seems less important to think about. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by everything and all I really want to do is cry until the feeling subsides and even so, at times like that I don’t feel that it ever really will. I need to bear that darkness in mind so that I’ll be able to bear the light.
I haven’t been writing because darkness left a fog over me. I’m still not sure I have anything at all worth saying but I can only try. It’s not compulsory reading for anyone else 😉